Reflection

As I sit here and reflect on this year it is almost unreal to me. I can not believe what a year it as been. From finding my groove in running, making the most unbelievable friends a girl could ask for (and not forgetting the ones I already had), running a sub 25 minute 5k, running a marathon, and two days ago an ultramarathon. Yes, you are reading that right...me Stephanie, is an ULTRAMARATHONER!!!!!! Please give me a minute to scream, jump, and dance!!! For those of you that do not know what an ultramarathon is in a 31 mile run. Now most people would think ok no problem after a marathon but you see my friends go big or go home. This was no road race ultramarathon, nope this was 31 miles in snow and cold through the woods, up the hills, sliding, slipping, crazy BIG FUN!!  :-) I can not believe it myself. I never imagined myself running, let alone a marathon and farther.  I think that before I am ready to decide what is next in 2013 I have to remind myself what a year it has been...I have shaved almost 5 minutes off of my 5k time, run a half marathon in under 2 hours, lost over 40 pounds this year, and become a marathon runner! Here it is a year in pictures.

This is a 5k one year ago tomorrow...look at the time! 30:55

This is me one year ago tomorrow! 

Current 

PR 5k

Marathon for the cutest kid in the world! 

Nothing but fun in running :-)

Latest adventure- ultramarathon- 31 miles!! 

Enough

I sometimes wonder if when I reach my goal if it will be enough. Originally I wanted to be under 200lbs, then it was I want to loose 50lbs. Now its I want to be in the 150's somewhere. Ultimately I want to be in the 140 range....but will that be enough? Am I ever going to be happy with what I see in the mirror? Will I ever not see the fat unhappy girl? I am not sure I have an answer for these questions but these are the things that are weighing heavy for me today. As a woman in today's world we see celebrities who look "perfect" all around us, if they are not "perfect" then they are endorsing a weight loss pill, Weight Watchers, or they have created their own diet line. Is it ever enough for anyone? I watch my fourth graders everyday compare themselves with each other and clothing labels- THEY ARE IN THE 4th GRADE!!!! I do not remember feeling like that until junior high. I wonder why we can not be happy with who we are and what we have. At what size will I be happy, at what weight will I feel pretty, when is this work enough? I am a generally happy, crazy, fun, adventure seeking, and loving person. Their are times when I feel like the old me. Times that I look in the mirror and cry...why?? I have come so far and I have a journey I can look back on and be proud of. Why is it so darn hard to be happy as I am? My goal is to find peace with who I am and what I am doing in life. I want to find an inner strength and happiness with whatever is thrown my way no matter my jean size. It is not going to be easy...I have a lot of old baggage, negative self talk, and some old memories that I can not erase. But, what I can do is attempt everyday to use that garbage as a strength and a reason to be who I never thought I could be.


And it is easy to believe you are not good enough if you listen to everybody else.
Mackenzie Astin 
 

It's not vanity to feel you have a right to be beautiful. Women are taught to feel we're not good enough, that we must live up to someone else's standards. But my aim is to cherish myself as I am.
Elle Macpherson 


I don't believe you have to be better than everybody else. I believe you have to be better than you ever thought you could be.
Ken Venturi 
If you accept the expectations of others, especially negative ones, then you never will change the outcome.
Michael Jordan 
Read more at 

30 reasons I am THANKFUL for running!

1. This is a sport anyone of any ability can do
2. I am always competing with myself
3. It gives instant gratification- my race results are in when I cross the finish line
4. It has helped me lose 70 pounds
5. Amazing people run and I get to meet them
6. Total strangers cheering you on is an unexplainable feeling
7. Seeing friends and family who come out to cheer you on in a huge crowd makes you feel so LOVED!!!
8. I have redefined what I am capable of doing
9. Giving me countless memories and amazing moments…and I have so many more to come
10. Inspiring me to be the best me I can everyday
11. Allowing me a healthy way to relieve stress
12. Allowing me to help countless charities doing something I love
13. I get to have lots of shoes J
14. It has made me healthier than I have ever been
15. I’m stronger than I ever knew I could be
16. Have a way to get some alone time
17. Makes me proud
18. Humbles me regularly
19. Reminds me that I am lucky to be where I am and have what I do
20. Makes me want to always be better
21. Gives me confidence in myself
22. Taken me to amazing places
23. I found the KRRC
24. It is a great way to speed free time
25. I have found a love for racing
26. I am a marathoner
27. After finishing the marathon I actually wanted to do it again
28. I am able to inspire others
29. Introducing me to the most supportive community on the planet.
30. Allowing me to make the most amazing friends who constantly push me to my limits, remind me why I do this, support me, challenge me, and love me for me!! 

That Moment

It has been a long time since my last blog post! It seems like life has been a race that I can’t catch up with. I am finally able to sit for a moment and reflect on that moment…that moment that will be forever engraved in my head and heart. That moment I worked my butt of for. That moment I shed tears for. That moment when I saw the finish line! Who knew that in 26.2 miles I would have time to think about so much? I thought about everything and anything. I remember thinking how cold it was, how funny so many of the signs were that people were holding. At mile 13.1 I remember thinking I am really going to do this…. the fat girl is actually going to run in a race farther than 13.1 miles.

 I had it all planned in my head…I would catch up with running club friends before the race see each other off and catch up at the end. I would see Crystal at mile 4, 7, and 13, my friends Randy with running club members around 3 and 11, my friend Kindra somewhere in Chinatown, Jessica near 24, my friend I met at a race Carmelo around 25.5 and my partners in crime at mile 26!  A few of these moments stand out to me! Hugging Randy on the side of the street and seeing his joy and remembering why I am running, seeing Crystals pink hat at mile 7 and thinking, thank god a face I know, struggling in Chinatown and knowing that Kindra was there somewhere and running my heart out because I did not want her to see me in pain. Seeing Jessica toward the end and thinking I can do this as she was screaming at me! Seeing Carmelo who I have only met once and am Face book friends with, screaming my name and finding me of all people as I run the Marathon. Seeing my mom and dad as I rounded the corner and had just a hill in my way before that moment. Then that moment when I saw it…. I saw the word finish and I heard my friends screaming like crazy people from the stands and knew this was it. Seeing these people helped get me through the race! They helped get me to that moment.

I thought I was prepared. I trained, I read a few books, watched a few movies, and had planned my race. I was ready for this race and that moment. I ran well until mile 19 when I had to pee…I waited in line for what seemed like forever. I then made a huge mistake and took my sock off to see how bad the pain was…let me just say my left foot looked like chopped beef! I put my shoe back on and was going to finish.  Miles 19-26.2 were the hardest but also the most rewarding, those last 7.2 miles are the ones where I won the battle within myself. The moments when I knew I could do this I had worked way to hard to stop. I was able to tell myself I was good enough and I am worth something. I had people who came to see me, people who trained with me. I do matter to people. That moment when I believed in myself and knew I have changed. I am better than I ever realized, I am worthy of friends, love, and being happy. I have gone from seeing myself as the fat ugly girl to feeling like I matter to others- and myself, this is the moment I was not expecting. This moment became crystal clear to me when I heard and saw Carmelo screaming my name and I realized…holy crap…people actually like me for me…no matter my jean size, no matter my religion, and no matter how fast I am.  People actually like me because I am me! For so much of this training other people had way more faith in me than I had in myself, but after that moment I realized I knew deep down I could do this I just needed that moment when it was clear to me. Others have a tendency to see my potential long before I do! 

Then I saw it..that word...FINISH! That moment when all of my hard work, all of my tears, blisters, early morning runs, chaffing, and complaints were for! That moment when I BECAME A MARATHONER! That moment when I realized how loved I am, how lucky I am, and how I would want to be in no other place than the here and now! I am so lucky to have the greatest friends, family, and trainer who push me to be the me I do not even know I am possible of yet!! 

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO BELIEVED I COULD BE A MARATHONER BEFORE THAT MOMENT WHEN I CROSSED THE FINISH LINE!!!! 

1/2 Marathon PR and last 20 miles

What a wild ride this training has been! I have pushed myself to places I never knew it could go! Two weeks ago I ran a half marathon, I was not sure how I would do. My hope was to PR, that would have been anything under 2:08...the course was pretty hilly and I am in the midst of marathon training. I felt great that morning and surprised myself. When I saw the finish line I realized that I was about to break the 2 hour mark....I started sprinting and was praying I could cross that line before the clock said 2 hours.  I was able to finish my half in 159:25 :-) Shoot I has 35 seconds to spare! I could not have run this race without Jessica! Below is a group shot from after the race!

Last Saturday, I ran my last long run before the marathon. Only 20 miles....right only 20! I have to say,  it was a much better than my 21 mile run a few weeks prior. After this run I can finally say that I am ready for the Chicago Marathon. I have done everything I can to be a prepared as possible. I have put my all into this training. I could not have done this without the amazing friends that I have. They have helped me through the self doubt, tears, sweat, blisters, and fun! Thanks to all of you!! 

21 miles.....YES I DID!

This marathon training business is the hardest thing I have ever done! It takes more time, energy, and emotion than I ever realized! This is something that I am 100% positive I could not be doing alone. I have so many people who have believed in me when I have wanted to give up! Last week a huge group of us decided to run the county line here in Kankakee. We ran from Iroquois county to Will county. This was the hardest run to date. I was only able to conquer this because I had the best group of people cheering me on. Running is such an individual sport in so many ways but in other ways it is a group sport. The encouragement and support you receive from others with the same passion have changed my life. I have life long friends that have been with me for my greatest moments and push me at my worst!
Here are some pictures from the run. By mile 19.25 I wanted to die and had a few tears...but thank goodness for some great people pushing me and following me with the car so I could see. The hardest part of this run was going from the road to gravel. This pushed my body more than I every thought was possible! 21 miles in the books!!!

26.2 Reasons to run a marathon

This list was given to me by a dear friend when she found out that I was running my first marathon and I thought that I would share it with all of you!

26.2 Reasons to Run a Marathon

1. Because you've been eyeing a piece of apple pie and you need to
burn the calories.

2. To escape the flock of birds chasing you...in your mind :)

3. To show off your new shoes.

4. To chase the good looking Kenyans in front of you.

5. Check it off your bucket list.

6. Because you can.

7. Because a 10K is now a "short run."

8. Because a 1/2 marathon is a warm-up.

9. So you can carbo load.

10. Because who needs "free time."

11. Because your legs look good in shorts.

12. To get on TV.

13. So you can have a guaranteed PR.

14. Because the sound of cowbells in the morning make you giddy.

15. Because there is nothing better to do at 5am.

16. Because running a 100 miler seemed excessive.

17. So you can drink Stormy Nights.

18. Because eating the negative calories in celery has lost its
exercise appeal.

19. Because the KRRC Kenyan hasn't run one.

20. Because the Teachinator is indestructible.

21. So you can tell me what NOT to do :)

22. Because you didn't have weekend plans.

23. To celebrate your journey.

24. Because if Oprah can do it...you can do it.

25. To inspire all those that think they can't.

26. To make 45,000 new friends.

.2 BECAUSE IT'S BIG FUN!! :)

Lately

Wow!!!  What an amazing few weeks it has been. I have been training hard and working my booty off!! I Ran the Glad Fest 5k and was finally able to PR in a 10k!!! It is an amazing feeling to see my hard work pay off. The time clock shows it every time I cross that finish line! 3rd Place in my age division!

Training for the marathon is an indescribable experience. Moments of it are so easy and others are painful. I am so unbelievably thankful to the countless people that are continually cheering me on! My friends, my family, and even complete strangers! I am running countless miles a week and at times I want to quit....but I can't and won't. I am doing this not only for myself but for a little girl that means the world to me. I am running this race for a cause that is much bigger than I am.

It is so hard to understand how my 18 mile run last week was not "easy" but, it was a solid good run. Today, I ran 13 and I wanted to cry and quit at mile 10. I know that running is as much mental as it is physical and I am trying really hard to remember that. I have had so many milestones recently....I can say that I have run 18 miles!!!!! I am doing things that I never even knew were possible!

Marathon training

Wow!!!!! is the only word that comes to my mind when I try to describe marathon training! I think this is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. The training is pushing me mentally and physically in ways that I never imagined! My run last week was awful and I wanted to quit at every mile!! I'm so thankful that I know other people training or I would never do this!! I'm looking forward to what I can push myself to accomplish!! I know that I never imagined myself as a marathon runner! Even now when I look in the mirror I don't see it...one day I will! I may not see it until October 7th but hopefully I will.

I want so bad to be completely content with what I see in the mirror...but I'm not sure what that even looks like?!?! When are we ever truly happy as women with what's staring back at us?!? Are we ever?!? I don't know if I have an answer for that! Who defines perfection and does anyone ever reach that! I try every day to tell myself that healthy is the goal, but to whose healthy definition do I follow? What is enough? What is too much? These are the things I think every day and every time I think about food. People have said I'm obsessed and maybe I am, but when you struggle with your weight and food it a constant thought its always in the forefront of your mind. When I'm consistently logging food not only do I think about it as I eat l, but when I log, and then at the end of the day when I check to see if I over ate or was right on! It's a never ending battle one that I am determined to win, buit is a never ending battle!

I have been fluctuating between 162 and 165 forever it seems!! Time to check my fears, insecurities, and self doubt at the door and do this! I'm tying to remind myself that I'm doing this so me and no one else!! This isn't about the picture in the magazine but about me wanting to be the best me I can!! (wow that sounded like a pathetic pinterest quote!) I'm not sure what the ideal me will look like and I'm not sure what the number on the scale should be , but I know I'm not there yet! I will be one day!!!!

Marathon story and fundraiser

I have been running for about a year and seven months. Running has become a passion of mine! I love it and cannot seem to get enough. About a month ago my cousin approached me and asked if I would be willing to run the Chicago Marathon for a charity. I thought she was a tad crazy because I was not sure if I was ready or not. After some consideration I decided that I was ready and that if I was going to run for a charity, running for one that meant something was the way to go. I am running for my cousin Natalie “Nat”, who has Down syndrome. I am running for a foundation called Research Down Syndrome (RDS).

RDS supports scientific studies directed towards understanding the sources of cognitive difficulties in persons with Down syndrome. RDS believes in the promise of a future where therapies will be available that will help improve memory, learning and communication in persons with Down syndrome. This will lead to increased life opportunities in education, employment, and social interactions.... perhaps a future where persons with Down syndrome might be able to live independently. Please join with the RDS Runners as their miles help RDS fund research that already has made extraordinary progress.

Here is Nat's story- On January 9,2010 the world welcomed Natalie Louise Phillips. She was perfectly healthy and out to prove the doctors wrong. Every time they told us what to expect with her diagnosis of Down Syndrome (poor muscle tone, lack of head control, low stamina, inability to breast feed) she would astound them all with her girl power attitude. She was (and is) the light, in not only my family’s world, but in all who meet her. Everyday I am astounded at the people who come up simply to tell us how they want to meet her. This almost always ends up in them getting a hug and kiss from her. She has opened up many doors for us to speak to people about Down Syndrome in schools and at church. She has a very full schedule of speech, occupational, physical and developmental therapies. She loves to nap by the pool, play in the yard and try on hats. She enjoys using her sign language along with her wonderful speech. Her favorite words are “sissy”, “mommy”, “daddy”, “paw-paw”, “maw-maw”, “cheese”, “potato chip”  (sounds nothing like it) and her newest sign she made up on her own is for “BACON”!! Got to love a girl who loves bacon. We are so very blessed to have the support of all our family, friends and Natalie's therapist. A big thank you to Stephanie for doing this in her honor ...we love you!! We thank everyone for their support.

http://www.crowdrise.com/rdsrunnerschi2012/fundraiser/stephanierogers1 

One huge goal for me....something silly for many

In the beginning when I first started to blog I posted that one of my goals was to be able to wear a pair of jeans from Hollister or Abercrombie.... Well here it is the whole outfit! I know that some will say that is very superficial but when you grow up wearing "fat girl" clothes something like this is huge!! And anyone who knows me, knows that I am a second hand shopper, but not this outfit :-)

Two new PR's and 4 great races

I have been running so much lately. My miles have increased by about 8 miles a week and during a race I can really tell.  I have been running weekly Indian Drills with the running club and that has helped increase my time so much!!!

About a week ago I ran three races in one weekend..it was a tad crazy but very fun and worth it!!
I started with the warrior dash-

Beth is my running partner and we put in about 16 miles a week together!!! Thanks for putting up with me friend :-) 

Then ran Glow run

6 miles and two races later and very little sleep and I was ready to run the Kilbride Classic. My summer goal has been to run a 5k in under 25mins...well I have accomplished that goal. I set a new PR of 24:45!!! It was an amazing feeling to see that all of my hard work is paying off!! 

 

Me with my 3rd place award 

This past weekend I ran the Pride Run in Chicago. This was an awesome run that was a ton of fun. I agreed to wear a tutu to this run....I am not sure what I was thinking but the tutu helped me was able to PR- my new 10k time is 56:13- that is a 4 minute improvement from last month :-) I need to give a shout out to my new friends for letting me run with them- Thanks Joseph and Carmelo!!

Crazy Ride

This ride that I have been on now for what seems like forever is a journey that will be my life. I have accepted this...food is something that I will always struggle with. However, as long as I choose to make healthy life long decisions about what and how I eat I will be fine. This is a daily journey, from the moment my feet hit the floor - usually running, to the time I go to bed I worry about my food intake and my exercise.

I have decided that I never want I look like those pictures again...,,

I want to be on the outside how I feel on the inside. I wish I could say that this journey has been an easy one, it had been the last thing from easy. My journey so far has been one full of ups, downs, success, failure, tears, and joys! My journey is far from over and I still am not where I want to be. What I do know is that I am a heck of a lot closer that I was over a year ago!! I have a lot to be thankful for and the proof is in the picture!!!

Two more races

The Zoo Run- I was able to take 8 mins off of my time this year for the Zoo Run. This was one of the hardest races I have run to date. I was not in it....my side was hurting at mile 3. Running is so mental at times that when my head is not in it everything was off! This was the first time I've ever wanted to stop in the middle of a race!!


The Color Run- This was one of the coolest runs I've done! It was a blast to run with some running club members I had never run with! This was a run of pure fun and something I really needed!!

People along this Journey to Be Me

This is a topic that came to me the other day as I was writing another post. I have met some amazing people along this journey people that I never knew I would connect with. I have also had some of the greatest friends stay beside me through the tough stuff and help me keep going. This posted is dedicated to them.....I am trying my best to remember everyone....if I have missed you I am sorry!!! So here are a few shout outs to people that have made this journey easier for me and that have supported me through the good, the bad, the ugly, the tears of joy and pain, the miles, the good choices, the bad choices, and all of my complaints. You guys have done more for me than I will ever be able to write in this post!

Family- Thank you for loving me not matter what I weighed!! Thank you for cheering me on!

Sharon- Thank you for sharing your story with me, showing me how to count calories (you were so right!!)-and then do it all again when I was really ready to make a change. You were the person who told me "If I wasn't ready for this then I wouldn't do it!" You were so right!! You watched me attempt the Biggest Loser contest at work for a year and so nothing but gain weight. Then a year later when I was ready you were a huge support!! You were so willing to help and show me how to start this journey!! Thank you for complimenting me and making me feel great when sometimes I don't it!! Thanks for letting me vent and complain; you always see the class as half full for me!  

Crystal- I am not sure how to start this one. You have been my friend the longest. You have seen me at my heaviest and watched me fight this battle for a really long time. Thank you for your honesty and always telling me the truth. Thanks for the reminders and being willing to eat healthy food when thats all I would have in the house :-) Thank you for always saying I CAN when I thought I couldn't.

Nichole- Well lady where in the world should I start.....you somehow got me into this crazy sport called running! You have helped me find a love and passion for a sport that I never thought I would enjoy. You should me a whole world that I never knew existed. Thank you for sharing your journey with me and allowing me to be on this journey with you!!! Thanks for always driving, putting up with my craziness, and making me family!!

Leslie- Girl thank you for being you!! Thank you for being a huge support and going this crazy journey with me!! Thanks for the "jazz hands" and support!! Thanks for being part of the group.

Ron- Thank you for pushing me, putting up with my crap, listening to my complaints, telling I could when I wanted to stop, encouraging me, being a jerk when I needed you to be and most of all thank you for showing me I could do this!!

Beth- Thank you for letting me crash your morning runs! I know that we were not sure if it would work but now I depend on them!! I hate running alone!!! Thanks for the hours of chats and miles of laughs!! I look forward to so many more!!

Jessica- Thank you for pushing me to be better and faster. I love that you are a tad faster than me because I work that much harder!!!!

Co-workers- Thanks for all of your support, compliments and holding me accountable.

Running Club- Thank you for making me part of the group, making me feel welcome, and encouraging me to better myself! Thanks for all of the Indian Drills and fun times. I am looking forward to more miles and fun times.

Without all of you I would have ended this journey months ago. You have all in your own ways encouraged me, befriended me, made me feel worthy, and pushed me to be a better me. Without you I would not be down 69 pounds. I never want to forget that so many people have helped me in this journey. This is not a journey I could ever do alone!!

THANK YOU,
     FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART
      <3 Stephanie <3

Soldier Field- 1 year later

I think that for this post the pictures say it ALL!!! The top two are last year..bottom two this year!

Pause for Patriotism 5k

My goal recently has been to get my 5k time down to 25 minutes. This seems like an almost impossible task. I am getting there,  just not as quickly as I would like. My last race I ran in 26:33- I can not complain!!! This was a great race! Nichole came to cheer me on and I ran it with Jessica. Jessica is a few seconds faster than I am, so she pushes me to catch her. This was a great run at the Perry Farm. I was 4 seconds shy of a PR- but I'll take it. I am still running 3 days a week with Beth- this is helping me improve in more ways than I ever thought possible! I am so proud of myself- that is really hard for me to say but I am finally at point where I can say that. I have worked my butt off and I feel like I am starting to have something to show for it. Clothes are fitting in ways I didn't know where possible, I am starting to feel better about myself, and I am fast enough to place in local races. For this race I placed third in my age division...and yes Jessica was second :-) I will catch her one day :-) It is amazing the people I have met in my journey to me. I have joined the local running club and met people that I challenge me and want me to become better at running.....I feel another blog post coming on with that!!

One struggle that I currently have is that the person I see in the mirror is still not what everyone else sees. I still see every flaw that I think I have. It is so difficult for me to take complements from people sometimes because I don't always see and believe what they are saying. I want to feel good enough in my own body, feel like I look pretty, not concentrate in my muffin top, and be confident in the woman I am trying to become. One day I will be there.....just not yet. I know that it is a journey and one that I struggle on everyday. I do want to say thank you to the many people who constantly remind me how far I have come, lift me, and say the nicest things when I seem to be feeling the worst!!!


Here are a few pictures from my last race....

Running when Pigs Fly

What a hectic two weeks it has been. First I ran the Illinois Half Marathon and crushed my time from last year. Then my crazy friend Nichole convinced me to run a 1/2 marathon the next weekend in Cincinnati Ohio. It was a challenge that I was up for. Those who have known me for a long time know that I always said that I would never run and always said I hated it. The title alone of this half "Flying Pig" was very fitting for how I use to feel about running. The night before race Nichole drove me on the race course and I was instantly nervous. It was 3 miles of huge hills....NOT Chicago hills people, I am talking real hills about 500ft in elevation change hills :-) The morning of I was like always nervous. As the race started I decided that I was just going to run.....what I have trained to do. In my head I kept telling myself that my time didn't matter too bad my heart was saying you can PR again. I decided at mile one that I was going to go all out go home :-) I was astonished with how well I really did. I was able to PR a second weekend in a row!! 2:08:19- Yes ma'am soon I will be able to run a half in under 2 hours.

I want to take a minute to say thanks to Nichole- thanks friend, for introducing me to this sport that has changed my life in more ways than you will ever know and helping me find me :-)