New Decade and Fears

What a crazy month it has been. I am so TIRED :-) Good tired, but tired. I have been working out 6 days a week and changing things up. My boot camp class ended last week! What a crazy class that was. We were doing things I was not sure I could do. I was pushed to a whole new level! Shout out to my friends for putting up with me during that class. Some may find this hard to believe sometimes I whine about things that are hard :-) This past week I entered a new decade with my weight. I am now in the 150's!! WOOHOOO!!!!!! I did not really believe the scale at first. I made someone step on the scale and make sure it was right. I can not explain the shock when I saw that number- it was a moment I was not sure I would ever see. I have to say that I am my own worst enemy. I am the first to say I can't, to say it won't happen, to doubt, and to be negative. I have a hard time when people give me compliments and want to say why it is not true (if you say I look good I will always point out a negative). I am working on it I swear. I want to learn to be gracious and allow myself to be happy in my progress and see what others see. It's just not as easy as that for me. 

 

As I continue to see changes in my body and see the number go down I still have fears. I really thought that as I got "skinnier" these things would become easier. I can not say that is true. Somethings are a bit easier- walking past the cupcakes in the lounge, choosing to not eat the pizza today, and making myself go to the gym- these things are easier and when I want to jump off the deep end I will send a text or call a friend and I pull myself back together. I wish I could find that will power all from myself, but I am just not there yet. It is so easy to let someone talk me into a lunch out or a small cookie and I know that those things are what had me in the 240's two years ago. I want this so bad and finding that small habits are things that are hardest to break...one thing I never really realized is that I snack on candy it is only one piece a day but I was not even aware sometimes that I was eating it. A friend at work has a "fox box" loaded with candy and everyday after lunch I would go in and grab a piece....I would not even be hungry and I was not writing those calories down. Oh, no big deal you say...well 60 calories in a big deal and that adds up. That was purely a habit something I have done since I started teaching here. 

I am still fearful of parties and snack food. Coming up in the next two weeks I have two baby showers- it is so easy to say, oh just don't eat but, it is not that easy. My favorite response is, eat a meal before you go- oh great idea, then when I eat at the party I have consumed even more calories- it's a crazy mess by the end!  Then we have Easter Sunday- lot's of crap food! My biggest fear is spring break (yes I am well aware that most people would die to have a week off, but it is my worst nightmare)- the last week of March (the week before my final weigh in) is break. This means no set schedule, no routine, no work, and lots of time to just be. Sounds great and relaxing right....not for me. For me this means home watching TV and useless snacking, eating out with friends at places I don't normally go, and lots of opportunity to blow it. I wish I could sit here and type that I have this thing mastered and bring on spring break but I am not there yet. I am better than I would have been last year but I am not where I want to be. When I get bored at home I eat yes I will pick up a banana but then I follow that with yogurt, string cheese, and an apple...so in the end I have consumed far to many calories without realizing it. I am going to take break day by day and really be accountable to myself and hope that I can do it. My worst nightmare would be gaining the week before my final weigh in!