"Beautiful" Progress

As I thought today what I wanted to blog about a few things came into my mind. One being beauty (inside and out) and then my progress.

Let’s start with the beauty- I have lived my life longing to look a certain way. Wanting to be a certain size, see a certain number on the scale and wanting to wear certain things. I think that wanting to be healthy is a great thing but, I cannot let society tell me what should make me happy and beautiful. For so long I have wanted to fit this “mold” not that I am really sure what that looks like on me,  but when I look in the mirror what I currently see does not meet  the mystical “mold” I think I should see. As a woman this is my biggest struggle being what society sees as beautiful. As I was listening to my Ipod this morning this song came on:

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

[Chorus]

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

As I was on my way to work I realized that I may never fit the “mold.” It kills me to type that…but that’s really ok, I never want to just be beautiful on the outside. Being beautiful is so much more than what I look at in the mirror. People that have been there for me have seen my internal beauty this whole time. They have loved me, cared for me, helped me, picked me up, and pushed me to be the best me I can be (yes I know that sounds ridiculous and like a Hallmark Card!) because they have loved me on the inside first. This mystical “mold” and ‘magic” number on the scale will change with the newest fad but I need to consistent in who I am deep down. I need to be sure that I am always working from the inside out so people know that no matter my size I am beautiful!

Progress: I am down 18.4 pounds and gained over a pound of muscle! That is amazing and I cannot believe it! I have to be honest and say that the scale is not what is driving me at this moment….sometimes the number does yes, but right now it is the little things I see that I want to continue to get better at . I can now hold a plank for over 2 minutes….WOOOHOOO, I can use sliders on my feet and pull myself across the floor farther than ever and without putting my knees down!  I am using weights in class I never imagined I could and am seeing muscles I never knew existed! These things are constant reminders that I can do this….when the image in the mirror is telling me one thing the proof is screaming at me. I can do this and it is a journey – it has ups and downs but it is worth every tear, every step, and every 5:00am workout. My goal this week is to remember that people love me for me and what is inside and if the outside looks fantastic that a bonus!

 

There is no definition of beauty, but when you can see someone's spirit coming through, something unexplainable, that's beautiful to me.
Liv Tyler
Beauty is how you feel inside, and it reflects in your eyes. It is not something physical.
Sophia Loren

Inspiration

Someone recently asked me where I get my inspiration to keep working towards this goal even when it has taken me this long. After, pondering this question for a few days I think I have a decent answer. I find inspiration from all around me. Originally when I first "tried" to loose weight and "thought" I was ready I failed. My friend told me if I was not ready then I would not be successful. I thought she was crazy! I remember when she showed me how she wrote down her calories in a notebook- I laughed inside (now, currently mine is next to me in my purse) Well, Sharon you were right :-) I failed miserably and played the yo-yo game for over a year. I spent countless mornings and afternoons on the counter at work "talking" about how much I wanted it. Eventually I went from talking to acting...so, I guess my first inspiration is Sharon who talked with me about loosing weight and how to do it and listened to my cry and whine for over a year! May I also add..... she has a great story of how she took control and now looks UNBELIEVABLE! Secondly, I take inspiration from all of the people on my life that have loved me at my heaviest and all the sizes in between. They never looked at me as fat or wavered in their loyalty based on my size. And Crystal you have seen me at my worst 2am Taco Bell runs (paying in change,) Big Macs, and pizza all in the same week during college. Now you put up with low fat, low carb, and more veggies than you would like! Thanks for you constant kindness and support on a daily basis and reminding me always that I can do this! Next, my inspiration comes from my friends that make a healthy life style a priority. I have learned countless things from my friends. They have cried with me and celebrated with me. I take inspiration from each of their stories and successes! I am one of the luckiest girls in the word because I have an amazing set of friends that I can call on anytime anywhere. I might not like that they are telling me to put the cake-pop down but in the end I will thank them. I may hate them all every Wednesday during boot camp, but I know that when I want a lunch date I can call them. I may want to kill them as they are yelling at me to work harder and run faster, but it is and always has been because I matter to them (I love you my two Nazi friends)! I am reminded almost daily on this journey that I could not do this alone. The phrase it takes a village to raise a child-I think it should be- it takes an army to keep you healthy! Oh and man how could I forget my crazy trainer. This guy has pushed me to the limit hundreds of times. He takes none of my whining and crying. He knows when he needs to be a jerk and how to handle me in my crazy moments. THANKS RON for pushing me through this journey! At the end of the day he inspires me to work harder and be tougher than I ever thought I could be. Another thing that I am inspired by is all of my friends that are parents and find the time to work out! I think I am busy...and you have kids!! You all inspire me to get out of bed in the morning! Beth- I would not get out of bed ever in -6 degree weather if it were not for the fact that I know you are waiting for me! You are a rock star and a true inspiration! Finally, I think I can say I now find inspiration from inside myself. I have a goal and determination that will eventually get to where I want to be! It may take me another year but I will do it!! In my journey I finally hit the point where talking, whining and crying were not going to change me. I had to lace up my shoes and run that first 5k a little over two years ago! It was the that first past the start line that has had me running to where I am today! (thanks Nichole!)

Super Bowl and Sucesses

Yesterday was the dreaded day....Supe Bowl Sunday. I must say that I will consider this a successful day with food. I ate tons of veggies, had two cake pops, 1/4 cup of chicken dip that was low fat, and 1/2 cup of low fat artichoke dip. I also had a serving of baked chips! I did awesome considering that at dinner time I had 1200 calories left to eat!! :-) It was a great feeling to know that I was in control! It was a great time and for the first time ever at a party I did not feel drawn toward the food. I enjoyed myself ate the things I wanted but in a much more controlled way. This was the first time I have left a party and not felt completely stuffed! SUCCESS!!

Yesterday I ran my first 5k of the year....it was a great run. Not a PR run but a great run. I have decided that I can not be focusing on PR's...I need to focus on dropping the pounds. I am trying to always see the little steps of progress I have made. I know that with time the pounds will come off. When I am not seeing the number I want I am trying to look at the other things. Here are some exciting things I have noticed!

I can do a side plank properly
I was able to try on and fit into a hoodie from Hollister- no I did not buy it.. yet :-)
I ran a 5k in 25:41 a day after a 7mile run, combat class,  pump class, and two days after leg day with my trainer.
I am able to walk away from carb loaded food in the lounge
I am able to find enjoyment in other parts of life that are not food
I have the greatest friends who are winning this Fittest Loser Challenge with me ;- )
I am down 10 pounds in 4 weeks- current weigh in was 166.4!
I am starting to feel so much better about myself when I look into the mirror